Well today has been hard. Hard on all of us. Olivia has been very sad and wanted nothing to do with me. She has been attached to her Baba. Mike is physically exhausted because we walked a lot today and she would not even think of letting me hold her. He feels bad for me, I'll admit it's hard, our kids are all mama's boys and girl. But I also know that if she needs him right now, then that is what she needs, and I'll suck it up and deal with it......As I type she is sitting in the floor playing with blocks, which is good. She has not wanted to be put down much over the past two days. She has wanted to be held constantly. She's still very quiet and withdrawn also. No babble or smiles
today, well actually she did smile once at Mike during her nap. She
woke up for a second looked at him and smiled, layed down and then cried
a few minutes later. We think she has realized today that this is it, she's not going back. She is very smart, she watches everything and is very observant. She doesn't miss a thing. She doesn't seem to like the hotel room either, as soon as we get off the elevator she starts crying and then when we're in here she points to the door. I know she's grieving, I know this will pass, but it's so hard to watch. I continually pray for God to take this pain away from her. I hate that her little heart is broken and scared. I'm glad that she has found some security in Mike, yes I selfishly want her to love me, but for now, if that is what she wants and needs than I will "put my big girl pants on" (as my friend Donna says ;-)) and let her. Please pray for her pain to go away soon!!
Today we walked around Daming Lake that is popular here in Jinan. It supposedly never changes in depth. Sylvia said that no matter drought or flood the lake stay about the same depth. She said it is an ancient lake with no explanation on how it stays the same. We think this city is probably a beautiful city in the summer. There is a lot of trees and greenery here and the lake is known for the lotus flower, which obviously we did not see in the winter.
One
interesting fact I learned today. Sylvia is very knowledgeable on the
history of China. Everywhere we have been she has known all about it
and specific dates. I commented on that today and she said that they
are required in school as the grow up to learn all of the history of
China and they are tested on it. She said it is the most important
subject in school.
Here are some pictures of our day...
These pigeons were crazy! They saw food and about attacked us.....(not really) I just hate birds! Sylvia didn't mind too much, Olivia was very upset when they got close to her. I can completely understand!!
I had to take a picture of the trash can, for some reason we really haven't seen very many....LOL
Loved how she was holding on to Baba's thumb.
We just can't get over the way people drive and walk into traffic. You do not yield to pedestrians here, pedestrians yield to the cars. However, no one seems to care and they just walk whenever and wherever they want to......
Enjoying some Starbucks!! :-)
We had a great Chinese lunch, so we decided to have Pizza Hut for dinner. Sylvia said that Pizza Hut is very romantic and that is where you go on dates. Mike and I found this quite funny so we had to check it out. As you can see it is very nice compared to what they look like back home.....
We bought her some more toys today, she has been playing with the blocks for close to an hour now.
Haha, Mike just asked Olivia about a shower......many of you know how anal my husband is with his kids being clean. Well, he talked me in to bathing Olivia last night, however there isn't a bathtub in our room, only a shower.......I told him he will either do it next time, or she will be dirty, because I was NOT going through that again.......It was HORRIBLE....
Thanks again for all the comments!! Any BTDT mom's that want to comment on this post would be GREATLY appreciated!!!
I know how you are feeling in regard to your daughter. My daughter who was 18 months at the time we adopted her only wanted my husband and kept crying for her foster "mom". It was difficult for me, especially as a first time mom with visions of mama loving children dancing in my head, but God is faithful and she slowly came around - within three weeks she finally gave me her first kiss which was priceless. She is 3 now and the light of my life. Praying for you and your family!
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you! I know how hard this is. When we got Christian, our oldest, he didn't smile for a long time. You want her to instantly love you the way you instantly loved her. Even though you know she is grieving and happy that she is at least clinging to one of you, as a mother it doesn't make it any easier. My heart breaks for both you and her through this. This adjustment won't last forever and she will see soon enough what a wonderful mom you will be to her! I know first hand that this is one of those times when your brain and heart disagree and it's so hard not to feel bad when you know your doing what's right for your child. Hang in there, this too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteGlad you packed your big girl panties, sad that you needed them though. She will come around. My Shelby would just cry and cry every time we would walk into the hotel doors. She was smart, so she knew that if she was out and about then she had a chance to go back to her old home. She knew she had no chance of going "home" when we would enter the hotel. Amazingly enough it really helped when we went back and visited the orphanage and her foster mom. Are you getting to go to the orphanage? It secured for her that she had not been kidnapped and that her foster mom was OK with her going with us. Things really changed after that visit.
ReplyDeleteTry for you to be the one to give her food and drinks and the "fun stuff" right now. Soon she will see that you aren't so bad after all!
aww, big hugs to you! My advice...don't let her push you away. My daughter did that to my husband(and then me, she was passive aggressive during her grieving), we decided to start with him feeding her at meals. This helped SO much. Our daughter loves food(she was & still is underweight) so this was the way to heart.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I would have your husband shower her next time that way she doesn't see you as the one who made her bathe. Or have him give her a sponge bath. Your hotel might have a baby tub, you can ask the front desk. Our room only had a shower so our guide asked them to bring a baby tub. Most kids are terrified of the bath/shower at first. Who knows how often they got a bath & if it was warm water. After a week home our daughter loved baths, she will now dump water over herself(face too) with a cup. She is still terrified of actual bath toys. She just wants a cup not toys.
I can tell you that it WILL get better. Our first son was an "anybody but mom boy" & it was very hard on my heart. He's now 9 1/2 & is the biggest Momma's boy.
I also have a Shandong cutie (Qingdao), and I remember the Pizza Hut and Daming Lake in Jinan. Our boy was very attached to me in China (didn't want his new Baba at all) and I couldn't put him down during waking hours. It was very tiring, but we got through it. And it took time, but he now loves his Baba so much. It will get better. Just take one day at a time in Jinan. And once you're in Guangzhou, things might ease up a little because you're away from the "scene of of the crime," so to speak. It's also warmer in Guangzhou, so your husband won't have to do all the holding with him and your child bundled up.
ReplyDeleteYou know Ava wouldn't let me hold her much for about 3 1/2 weeks or so. It is definitely heartbreaking as a mom. Like you, my two other daughters were mama's girls. Ava did let me feed her and bathe her, so I was thankful for that. She let everyone else hold her EXCEPT for me. Also like someone above said, do not let her push you away. Just keep smiling and kissing her and trying to hold her. I never wanted her to think for a minute that I was going to give up on her. My heart was hurting, and I just kept praying to God that Ava would feel my love, and then one day, she did. And I have been the one she wants ever since. There's just something about a Baba to a little Chinese girl. I think finally having a man is very comforting to them. Craig was also worn out and exhausted. But as I look back, I could have never carried Ava around like my husband did. It will get better! I'm praying for you, my friend!!!
ReplyDeleteBTDT with our second adoption...(popped over from your friend posting in Rumor Queen)
ReplyDeleteOur 23 month old DD was very clingy to Baba in China. She would not come near me, and screamed if I had her when she wanted Daddy. Took weeks for her to come around. My husband was EXAUSTED! He was burned out. Couldn't take it any more. When we came home, she would scream and cry if he went into the other room to shower. Wouldn't let me near her. DH went back to work a week early (had four weeks off after coming home) because he needed a break!
She wouldn't let me lay down with her, only wanted daddy. I didn't let it happen after a couple weeks of being home... we pushed her (I don't recommend this at first). I sat on the bed while she was trying to push me off. After a careful "dance" of a few minutes, she would allow me to stay, then let me hold her hand, then ley down next to her.
Was really hard on me because I wanted to take it personally but knew I couldn't. I also was not "in love" with her at first sight like our first adoption. I really had to "fake it til you make it" with her. It was HARD. Had to force myself to tell her I love you. Tore me up.
After a couple months home, she really showed more attachment to me and I to her :) She has since initiated love to me, hugging, kissing, preferring me for most things.
Fast forward to being home over a year... she is a mama's girl! Prefers me to hubby and lets us know!!! Is so affectionate, helpful, sweet, and smart!
There are so many things to foster attachment... but mostly what she needs is time. A couple days is nothing really, let her have her baba as much as she wants right now and support your husband as much as possible. It's going to be hard on him for a little while! DON'T take this personally. It is absolutely normal. Don't push her too hard right now. There will be plenty of time when you get home and in the first few months to push her.
Feel free to check out our blog for her adoption... journeytoourlydia.blogspot.com or holler if you have any questions. Best wishes to you and congrats on your new daughter.
A post on RQ directed us to your blog. I paid you a visit with the intent to be encouraging - try not to sweat what happens in China. It is such an artifical environment. Just get through it and "new normal" will begin at home. I've heard Day 4 is the majic day and I've also heard GZ is a turning point. BUT...I am happy I found your blog because we are going to be adopting a little Shandong boy later on in the year!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Mama!! I can tell by her sweet little face that she is grieving and shut-down, my daughter was the same way. She totally rejected my husband for a few days, warmed up to him before we left China and then rejected him and my other children waiting at home for a while after returning home. I know it is HARD, but it will get better I promise! The first few days we just cuddled her, then it helped when I would get very involved in something else, like the computer and not pay a lot of attention to her (not totally ignoring her, but not being very attentive and my husband would sit on the ground playing with toys and holding food, she would eventually lose interest in me and wander over to see what he was doing. But this didn't happen until we she had been with us for a few days.
ReplyDeleteOur new son was the same in China. For the first few days, only Daddy could do anything. I absolutely could not hold him, touch him, look at him, or be within a 5 ft radius. We started having daddy do the necessities (feeding, diapers, bath), and me be the one with toys, snacks, etc.
ReplyDeleteIt got better in GZ - he still preferred daddy, but I could be tolerated :) By the end of the trip, things were getting better. 8 months home, he doesn't really have a preference for either of us. When I come home, he comes running or a hug :)
It hurts terribly while it's happening, but it will get better
By the way, your pictures are gorgeous :)
I know it is hard but this is normal. I read several books before adopting our first little girl and was prepared intellectually that I would be the one our daughter would not go to at first. Being prepared intellectually did not prepare me emotionally! Continue to do for her even though she does not want to respond. She is testing you to make sure you are safe and you will not leave her. This is her experience with the women in her life. She will come around it will just take time. I will be praying for you and your family. Blessings, Amy
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone! I really appreciate all the advice and prayers!!!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your beautiful new daughter!!! I am also stopping by from RQ and just want to wish you well. Not sure if this would work for you, but we bathed our baby in the bathroom sink when we were in China. Lots of prayers that your sweet girl comes around soon!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Debi